Love gets described in a lot of ways that make it sound like its intensity is the point. Passionate, overwhelming, all-consuming. The idea that real love is supposed to feel like losing yourself in it — that if you’re not a little out of control, maybe it’s not the real thing. And so when a relationship actually does feel out of control, when it’s intense and painful and destabilizing, it can be easy to interpret the chaos as evidence that the love is real.
But intensity is not the same as health. Relationships that feel anxious, unpredictable, or like you’re constantly trying to earn someone’s approval can feel deeply compelling — precisely because the stakes feel so high, and the occasional moments of connection feel like relief after tension. That cycle — anxiety, small crisis, relief, anxiety again — is not love. It’s a stress response with a love story written around it.
Some things love shouldn’t feel like: love shouldn’t feel like you’re auditioning. Like you’re constantly managing how the other person sees you, working to stay on their good side, carefully calibrating your behavior to avoid a reaction you’re afraid of. Love shouldn’t feel like you’re less when you’re in it than you were before it. Shouldn’t require you to be smaller, quieter, less yourself. Shouldn’t feel like relief when you’re away from the person rather than something you want to return to.
Love also shouldn’t require you to ignore your own gut. If something consistently feels wrong — if you feel vaguely afraid, or like you have to be careful, or like there are things you can’t say — that’s information worth listening to, not minimizing.
What love should feel like isn’t constant euphoria — that’s infatuation, and it’s temporary. Over time, healthy love feels like security. Like someone has you. Like you can bring your actual self without too much editing. Like disagreement is possible without disaster. Like you’d choose to be around this person even on ordinary days.
You’re young and you’re figuring out what relationships can be. What you learn to accept now tends to shape what you settle for later. The standard is worth setting early.
