Why, oh WHY does the Starset Society have to make everything seem so simple?!
Technology may have made our lives easier, but we must not be complacent as this will lead to us perishing from the face of the earth!!!
That thought alone has always sent me into a spiraling state of abyssal anxiety.
I messaged my friend and told her a bit of what is going on.
That I doesn’t like crowds, that I hate it when someone, a stranger touches me, that I get jumpy when I didn’ expected the touch.
I also jump when there are sounds I didn’t expect. I never was a scaredycat, but it changed.
Then I told her thta I found CD’s with old pictures and a video made by my grandmother. It showed a visit to her with my friend. i remember that we visited and bits about the visit. But everything I saw in that video…I have no recollection of it. Watching didn’t trigger any memory. It was like watching a video from someone elses life.
But what scared me more was that you could clearly see in the photos that I wasn’t happy. In the video there where scenes were I was uncomfortable and nervous. I fidgeted and didn’t hold eye contact. Also there were two scenes where I zoned out. I just stared ahead and didn’t react to what was said. It was concerning to watch and realise no one noticed.
I also remembered that in my 13th grade a classmate drew everyone of us in a cartoon style in our sitting order in the classroom. I wasn’t looking happy in his drawing. I remember my mom commenting that I should reflect how I act and look when someone perceives me like that. My thought now is. Why the hell didn’ it concerned her that someone perceived me as mostly unhappy?
I messaged my friend and told her a bit of what is going on.
That I doesn’t like crowds, that I hate it when someone, a stranger touches me, that I get jumpy when I didn’ expected the touch.
I also jump when there are sounds I didn’t expect. I never was a scaredycat, but it changed.
Then I told her thta I found CD’s with old pictures and a video made by my grandmother. It showed a visit to her with my friend. i remember that we visited and bits about the visit. But everything I saw in that video…I have no recollection of it. Watching didn’t trigger any memory. It was like watching a video from someone elses life.
But what scared me more was that you could clearly see in the photos that I wasn’t happy. In the video there where scenes were I was uncomfortable and nervous. I fidgeted and didn’t hold eye contact. Also there were two scenes where I zoned out. I just stared ahead and didn’t react to what was said. It was concerning to watch and realise no one noticed.
I also remembered that in my 13th grade a classmate drew everyone of us in a cartoon style in our sitting order in the classroom. I wasn’t looking happy in his drawing. I remember my mom commenting that I should reflect how I act and look when someone perceives me like that. My thought now is. Why the hell didn’ it concerned her that someone perceived me as mostly unhappy?
I was sitting on my deck most of the afternoon and into the evening. I ventured to walk holding my catheter bag , down the ramp, but made it only halfway, my wife, who had been keeping an eye on me, poking her head out summoning me back❤️
I am happy but last summer till today was very difficult to say the least..I am no longer able to write about…I am resting listening to my fav playlist
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