I messaged my friend and told her a bit of what is going on. That I doesn’t like crowds, that I hate it when someone, a stranger touches me, that I get jumpy when I didn’ expected the touch. I also jump when there are sounds I didn’t expect. I never was a scaredycat, but it changed. Then I told her thta I found CD’s with old pictures and a video made by my grandmother. It showed a visit to her with my friend. i remember that we visited and bits about the visit. But everything I saw in that video…I have no recollection of it. Watching didn’t trigger any memory. It was like watching a video from someone elses life. But what scared me more was that you could clearly see in the photos that I wasn’t happy. In the video there where scenes were I was uncomfortable and nervous. I fidgeted and didn’t hold eye contact. Also there were two scenes where I zoned out. I just stared ahead and didn’t react to what was said. It was concerning to watch and realise no one noticed. I also remembered that in my 13th grade a classmate drew everyone of us in a cartoon style in our sitting order in the classroom. I wasn’t looking happy in his drawing. I remember my mom commenting that I should reflect how I act and look when someone perceives me like that. My thought now is. Why the hell didn’ it concerned her that someone perceived me as mostly unhappy?

I messaged my friend and told her a bit of what is going on. That I doesn’t like crowds, that I hate it when someone, a stranger touches me, that I get jumpy when I didn’ expected the touch. I also jump when there are sounds I didn’t expect. I never was a scaredycat, but it changed. Then I told her thta I found CD’s with old pictures and a video made by my grandmother. It showed a visit to her with my friend. i remember that we visited and bits about the visit. But everything I saw in that video…I have no recollection of it. Watching didn’t trigger any memory. It was like watching a video from someone elses life. But what scared me more was that you could clearly see in the photos that I wasn’t happy. In the video there where scenes were I was uncomfortable and nervous. I fidgeted and didn’t hold eye contact. Also there were two scenes where I zoned out. I just stared ahead and didn’t react to what was said. It was concerning to watch and realise no one noticed. I also remembered that in my 13th grade a classmate drew everyone of us in a cartoon style in our sitting order in the classroom. I wasn’t looking happy in his drawing. I remember my mom commenting that I should reflect how I act and look when someone perceives me like that. My thought now is. Why the hell didn’ it concerned her that someone perceived me as mostly unhappy?

I was sitting on my deck most of the afternoon and into the evening. I ventured to walk holding my catheter bag , down the ramp, but made it only halfway, my wife, who had been keeping an eye on me, poking her head out summoning me back❤️

I am happy but last summer till today was very difficult to say the least..I am no longer able to write about…I am resting listening to my fav playlist

At 17, having begun University at Dalhousie University in Halifax Nova Scotia, I could barely make conversation of any kind – I walked the Campus like a ghost I was so emotionally withdrawn. I stuck it out for three years failling to complete my Degree in Literature & Philosophy. The October after I returned home in 1969, my father, ( a well loved Medical doctor who graduated in 1932 ) was run over by his own car in a tragic accident).He won the gold medal in medicine. ( my illness was already. Begun before this tragedy) Two years later, my mother died of grief, and into the next year I met and married the lovely lady I am still married to today….after passing the years into the new century, in 2000, I relapsed and had the good fortune to be placed on the new atypical medications….unfortunately they have caused PD. After passing the the last summer in a month long Delirium caused by a UTI I can now walk a bit but will be tethered to a catheter and hospital bed and Wheelchair for my remaining days..the Upside ( incidentally a title of an excellent movie about a quadriplegic) is that my family has remained with me and just recently I completed my life of poetry composition. I am 75.

I don’t know how to journal if I’m being honest. I have experienced some of these things that are talked about on this website. I have experienced self-injury, anxiety, some form of depression, and some form of sexual harassment. I have self-harmed a couple of times. I only cut once and burn myself a few times. Only 4 people know about my self-harm. Q, L, C, and M know about my self-harming. Now moving on to my anxiety. I found out that I had anxiety last year. Since then I have dealt with anxiety attacks. I’m working on getting it under control. Now it’s time for depression. I don’t fully know If I have depression. I had talked to a therapist and I was given a paper about teens with depression but she told me I won’t need meds. Now finally talking about sexual harassment. A few weeks ago, someone that I know was making nasty comments to me about my butt and my breast. I was uncomfortable. Only Q, L, C, and M know about that. I don’t want to tell an adult because I don’t want to live through that again. -Al’Isha