Spark

3 weeks ago

Attempted Suicide and self-harm

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It was a Saturday evening. My dad and I got into an argument about Instagram and we were both pissed at each other. He wouldn’t talk to me and I wouldn’t talk to him. I downloaded Instagram without asking him and he got mad at me for it. So after we had the argument, I was so pissed at myself for arguing with him. My mom was out of town and obviously my dad told her everything. I didn’t want my mom to come home after she came back from her trip and see her reaction, since I already know what her reaction was going to be. She was going to be mad at me, like she always is. I didn’t want to see her reaction after she came back from her trip so I took two bottles of my meds into my room and I started to overdose on them. I was planning on having a peaceful death by dying in my sleep. I knew that if I overdosed on them, I thought my mom and dad would be happier without me in their lives. I thought that I ruined everything and that if I was gone, that I would make their lives more easier going and more enjoyable. I also felt like I didn’t have a future because I have ADHD and a 504 plan and my mom made me feel less than. If I told her that when I grow up that I wanted to become a Psychologist or a type of doctor, she would say something like “well you know how hard it is to get into medical school? It’s a lot of hard work, it’s time consuming, and it’s competitive to get into. At that moment, I was thinking “yeah, she is right. It is hard to get into.” So I stopped dreaming big and knew that she was right. Med school is hard and competitive to get into. “What was I thinking?!” There’s no way that I’m smart enough to get into med school! So that’s the part where I was starting to feel less hopeful about my future and also was one of the reasons that I tried to end my life. I felt like the problem. My other siblings never got into as much trouble as I would. They were also smarter and had a way brighter future than I ever would. My sister got a full scholarship to a college and my mom knew that my sister wanted to get into med school, so therefore knowing that she has a brighter chance as to getting into med school, she would be more supportive of her decisions. She was really smart, she got a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 34/36 on the ACT. I would always compare myself to her and always wished to be her. I wish I had a bright future and was really smart like her but I wasn’t.

I was dealing with depression for two years and it started in 8th grade. My diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder wasn’t until this June. That’s when I got sent to a mental health facility after I overdosed. Before I got sent to the facility, I got sent to the E.R. My dad was freaking out because he was saying that if we didn’t go right then, that I could have died, which was my plan after all. Skipping forward to when I was at that mental health facility, I felt even more lonelier. It felt like I was in jail to be honest.  And the visitation hours were only on Saturdays at that facility for a certain amount of hours. I asked my dad if he was willing to visit me and he said that he couldn’t because my grandma was already planning on going to Michigan with my family and cousins. At that point, I hung up the phone because I was so sad and mad. I was so sad and mad because his kid who is dealing with depression and is in the mental health facility wasn’t even willing to come visit. That night, I was crying in my room and I didn’t know what else to do. I felt so hopeless.  But then the week passed by and eventually I found out two days before I got to leave the mental health facility that I was going to stay with a family friend in Ohio. I was so mad at them even more than before because I was thinking “my parents are going to send me away to another family?!” So then I only had a day before I was going to live in Ohio. Moving to the present day, I feel much better with this family. They are more welcoming and nice. They actually listen to me and want to help me get better. Whenever my parents come down to visit me, it feels weird and I also feel unsteady. My mom especially. It’s not that I feel unsafe whenever I’m around her, I just don’t know how to approach her you know? But I’m loving Ohio so far. And to all the teens out there who feel alone and don’t know what to do, ask for help. I see a therapist now and it made me feel so much better. I can finally tell her things without anyone judging me for what I say. Also I wanted to tell you guys that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you don’t know who to talk to, I’m more than happy to talk and listen to you guys! I know what it’s like to be alone and have dealt with similar situations as you guys. Eventually, it’s not like depression goes away in seconds, although I wish it did, but it doesn’t sadly. You got this. Depression might seem like a hard thing to overcome but at the end of the day, it’s our own battle to fight. Would we rather deal with all these negative feelings or try to fight the negative feelings with happier thoughts? Thanks for reading my story and hope my story impacted you guys in a positive way. :) 

-Sarah

 

 

 

 

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admin
admin(@admin)
17 days ago

You are an inspiration! This story will help someone… you should be proud of that.

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