Crymson

1 month ago

My story

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Good afternoon,  my name is Lisa, but I do go by the name crymson My story started at the age of 10, with severe untreated ptsd and depression.  Which was untreated until I became an adult I was always told ” just get over it ” or it’s just a phase, or part of growing up” in 9th grade I seemed the help of a counselor. I had very low self steam and I had no friends to speak of.  I was bullied,  used, and  loner. As I was growing up I constantly would seek the approval from family and outside people I cried all the time wondering why I never had Friends or why I was never accepted I married at 18, just out of high school just to try to escape That marriage lasted 9 months i had it annulled  I then met met my 2nd husband, my son’s father I got pregnant with our only child at 20, we got married when our son was 6 weeks old, I didn’t want our son to live in a broken family I soon learned that the only reason he married me ” was for the earned income credit” I promised my grandfather I would make the marriage work until my son was at least 18 years old Once our son was 18, I then left his father  who would constantly tell me my depression was ” all in my head ” so I never reached out for help I was / am a cutter for as long as I could remember After my son was born I suffered from severe post partum depression.  I left my 2nd husband,  got into a very controlling situation,  which caused me to many attempts at suicide.  Eventually I was able to get out of that situation and reconnected with my current husband He is my rock, my support I continued my cutting and suicide attempts,.because I didn’t  feel like I wasn’t worthy of love.  At first we both decided not to get married again ( his 2nd marriage and my 3rd). We have been together now for 14 years and married for 10 years.  We both suffer from various mh issues We’re both in counseling together.  We talk about our feelings and fears I volunterarly had myself committed for inpatient help I had no choice I still have night terrors my own son turned on me. Calling me toxic and mental thanks to what he is being told by his father.  I am estranged from my family It’s just my husband and myself now.  I have 2 semi colon tattoos.   One on my left wrist to hide my scars from cutting,  that says : my story isn’t over yet” and one on my right fore arm which is gray scale with purple roses to represent a semi colon” I also have a tattoo that says ” strength,  and one that says I am a survivor ”  it has been a month since my last time I cut I have 51 different tattoos that tell my stories.  I use getting  tattoos to ease the pain i feel so deep down inside.  This is another coping skill for me.  Another tattoo says “continue” and another saying ” I am a survivor ” .  My story is painful and real.  I journal a lot when I’m alone.  My story is real . Maybe someone will read my story and see that help is out there and some one is always listening My story isn’t pretty but it’s about struggling with mental illness. I’m far from perfect I have good days and days I just want to disappear        

One Response

  1. Reading your story I find unlike you I have been window dressing my story….my wife tries to upset me just before important medical interviews, hoping to influence my “medicals”.. but it’s no longer working. I hate to see her defences crumble though as she has many hard issues in her personal and family life…in our seventies with 51 years together, we see each other in a more tolerant way, but problems can always arise

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